QUESTION 1:
As a single young adult, I've been attending Church of Southland for about 6 months now. I like the church and the Sunday services, however, I still feel as though I'm an outsider. I've tried cellgroups. I've attended some Access Ministry events. But I can't help but notice that some other people who have come to the church just recently already seem to be plugged into the church as though they had been here for years. Am I not doing something right? Do you have any tips for me so that I no longer feel like an outsider?

REPLY:
First off, I want to welcome you to the Church of Southland!

Whether you came here alone or with a friend, there is always that "fear" or nervousness that comes with going to a new church, or any place for that matter. So what you might be wrestling with in regards to trying to find a group of friends to fit in with, or just to feel that you belong to this organization, is completely natural and a given instinct in all people. Growing up, we all remember going to our first day of school... seeing new faces, new classrooms, and wondering who you would end up being friends with, or which group you would eventually sit with during lunchtime. It is a natural instinct in us to want to feel like we belong somewhere and that secretly we long for the TV show "Cheers" moment where you have a place you can go to, and everyone always greets you and knows your name.

Instead of worrying about what you are not doing right, or what you should be doing, I encourage you to take action and be BOLD. For people who naturally seem to fit into groups easily and find relationships quickly are people who are willing to move out of their own comfort zone. They take the initiative to start the first sentence in a conversation, and most importantly, they are confident in how they present themselves to others. Being confident in your speech, your thoughts, and your body language opens the gateway for people to easily approach you and or, invite you to different events without having to feel they are pressuring you to come. Yes, it is hard to build relationships when Sundays only come once a week, but it's the consistency behind it and the effort put into it. That makes your appearance a familiar face, which ultimately becomes a name everyone doesn't forget.

Secondly, we may be under the impression that church is somehow different than any other group or organization we may join.  This impression is true in the spiritual perspective that the church reflects the body of Christ.  However, the church is made up of fallible people who act and react in the same way they would in any given social setting.  If I am shy, I wouldn't suddenly be overcome with the gift of boldness and start introducing myself to someone I've never met just because I am at church and it is the "right" thing to do.  A lot of variables play into our feeling like we fit in.  It has a little to do with your personality, maybe a little more to do with your social skills, and a little to do with the chemistry between you and the people you want to connect with.  Although you may feel the situation is out of your control, I believe that persistence, consistency, and perseverance are the keys.  It took me about a year to feel like I was really a part of this church community, and I even had friends here already when I first attended.  I do not consider myself a very outgoing or friendly person, but I showed up to every single event and people got used to my face.  As much as the new person feels intimidated by all the new faces, the members of the church also feel intimidated by the new person.  It's not a you versus them.  A relationship with a church is a relationship with each individual church member.  It will happen; one person at a time.  I wish that more people understood the fact that a church doesn't consist of perfect people.  We are all trying our best and sometimes our best isn't that friendly or warm, but that's why there is grace.  Have patience with us because we need more grace than we even realize.

QUESTION 2:
I think generally speaking, many of the single ladies really look for humor as one of the qualities they look for in men. Although I think I'm a nice person and can carry on a meaningful conversation with girls, I don't really see myself as a funny person. Does that mean I don't really have a chance with girls in general? What are the girls REALLY saying when they say that humor is an important quality they want in men?

REPLY:
Women do place humor very high on their infamous "lists", which I won't go into, but it is important to note here the difference between having a sense of humor and being funny. I believe most women want a man who has the ability to perceive humor in something. A guy who recognizes that certain things are funny has a sense of humor. A guy doesn't have to create humor to have one.

He also doesn't have to find everything to be funny, just some things. Not all women are looking for someone who is nicknamed the class clown or the life of the party. The reason why women may dismiss a guy due to lack of humor is because women are looking for someone who perceives humor in the same things they do. They want to be able to laugh with the guy. Women are using humor as a thermometer for connection. Although this may not be the best way to make a decision in finding a mate, it is undoubtedly very natural. Victor Borge once said, "laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

Women look for intimacy and laughter is as intimate as you can get with someone you just met. So the next time you're engaging in a conversation with a girl, remember to laugh every once in a while. If she cracks a joke and it's not funny, laugh anyway, especially if you are one of those people who are not easily amused. Just because you never have anything funny to say, doesn't mean you will always be that way.

Make a note of funny things you've heard from a coworker, the radio, a TV show, or even something that happened to you in the past or recently. Keep these things on file and the next time you find yourself needing to lighten the mood, you can pull one of these stories out. Again, you don't have to turn into a funnier of a guy to get a girl. The last tip is to help you to just be an overall more interesting person. It's okay. Women are not that funny either. I would even say that there are more funny guys than there are funny gals.