MY ENCOUNTER TESTIMONY (6-19-05)

First, I'd like to give all praise and glory to God for this Encounter experience. It was both refreshing and yet grueling. Secondly, I'd like to give thanks to all the leaders and their families for sacrificing their time and giving so much of themselves so that I could go through this process.

Y'see, before the Encounter, the last time I was intimate with God was February 24, 2003. Since then there has been this barrier between God and myself. For the most part, I still prayed, had quiet time, and served Him at my church in VA. After a while, that void in me grew too big to ignore, so I blamed it on our recent move here to CA, the stresses that came with it, and not having close friends. I told myself that in time this feeling would pass.

Well, it didn't. I knew it had to do with my relationship with God, so I looked at all my sins -- overt, covert and sins of omission. I tried to clean up my act by identifying my sins, repenting them and fixing them. After all this repenting, you would think that I'd be doing pretty well now, but I wasn't feeling any closer to God. What was wrong? What sin was I being blind too?

Now, you're probably wondering what happened on February 24, 2003. The problem must lie on that day. Well, early morning on February 24, 2003 at the age of 60 my mom passed away from pancreatic cancer. In less than two
months, we went from acknowledging that something was very wrong, to a diagnosis, a few chemotherapy sessions, an infection, and then two days after my sister's wedding her death.

My dad and mom retired together the same year and then went to a mission school to prepare for service in China. That had always been my dad's vision and my mom supported him. At this school, they went through inner healing and their marriage was what God intended it to be. They were so in love, but my mom was sick. She was so strong and courageous, and was completely at peace with whatever God had planned for her. My sisters and I thought this was going to be a great testimony -- God is going to miraculously cure Mom of advanced stages of cancer, so that she could go to China with her own passion for spreading the good news. Well, it didn't work out that way. After my mom passed away, I got busy taking care of my family. My dad was very concerned about our greiving process so I was aware of the different emotions that I would feel -- sadness, denial, anger, etc. I dealt with them as they came, and was feeling pretty good about myself. I understood that God's timing and plans are not our own, and that everything happened for a reason. I still love my mom, always will. I'll never forget her; but I'm moving on with my life.

So what's the problem? After one of the Encounter talks we were to pray for our sins. I couldn't think of any because I had been dealing with them one by one. I prayed, "God please reveal what is keeping me from you, because I honestly don't know what it is. What? Mom. What about her?" I just started crying -- the "ugly" cry. If you've had someone really close to you die. You know the one that you can't keep quiet. I hadn't cried for my mom in a while. Through all this God revealed to me that I was mad at Him. But, how could I be, because had I dealt with that emotion.

I let myself get angry at God -- for a little bit. Not too long, because it just felt wrong to be mad at God. Like it meant that I didn't believe or trust in Him. But, I was mad. My mom is gone. She would never see two of my kids or their milestones. Her absence has ruined every major holiday. My dad is wandering around Europe trying to do God's work. My youngest sister is going through life in a daze without much joy. Oddly, through all this anger I felt a half step closer to God. That barrier was getting thinner. I barely heard the next session at the Encounter and then it was time for communion. Right? I was mad. I wasn't going to partake in communion, so while that was going on I assessed that I don't get over things easily so even though my anger probably wouldn't be resolved at Encounter, I was pleased to know what the problem was. My anger slowly subsided that afternoon and by ministry time that evening, I had an intimate encounter with God. It felt so good. I felt so much at peace.

I knew everything was alright. It would be a new beginning.